


Except It Is

by TheLadyMagician



Category: Iron Man - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor - All Media Types
Genre: BAMF Loki, BAMF Tony Stark, Bored Trickster Gods, But he'd be a trickster god were he divine, Chess, Kidnapping, Kidnapping counts as dating, Loki is his own warning, M/M, Perceptive Thor, Showmen battling it out, Tony is also bored, unconventional flirting, with feelings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-14
Updated: 2017-04-14
Packaged: 2018-10-18 16:23:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10620660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheLadyMagician/pseuds/TheLadyMagician
Summary: Look, Tony Stark is used to getting kidnapped. It's historically a thing. Most of the times a kidnapping involved ransoms or threats or at the very least a super villain monologuing for at least an hour. Things they did not involve were upscale penthouses, chess, and the kidnapper making Tony dinner.Loki is bored and a bit unpredictable, though.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone! So I know I'm jumping around fandoms and OTPs because like...I feel like it. Just trying to get the words for Camp Nanowrimo and get some of my mojo back. So working on prompts and random ish. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

"So...what's the plan, then?" Tony asked from his perch on Loki's couch. It wasn't really where Tony wanted to be, but being kidnapped by a mad Norse deity and taken to a posh penthouse was better than being kidnapped and taken to a cave. 

As such, Tony wasn't really keen on complaining because Loki could teleport and change this whole scenario around in less than a few seconds. Let it never be said that Tony had absolutely no brain to mouth filter. 

"I mean," Tony continued, "you could ransom me for money, but to be honest it looks like you don't need it."

Loki gave him a small smile and raised his eyebrows as if to say "You don't say?" The penthouse wasn't as grand as Tony's but it _was_ the top floor of some skyscraper apartment building in New York. And those didn't exactly run cheap. 

"Do you seriously live in New York?" Tony asked, getting up and walking over to one of the large windows to look over the skyline. "'Cause I gotta admit, that kinda hurts the ego. Two years and you literally live in the same city as the Avengers? Have you always lived here?"

"This is but one of my many abodes," Loki remarked as Tony turned back to him. The God of Mischief was setting down his fancy new staff on a nearby counter top and took off the rather ridiculous leather jacket/armor he always wore. "But I reside in New York the most," he finished while starting to undo his vambraces. 

"How the hell are you affording this shit?" 

With a shrug, Loki placed his arm guards next to his staff. "I could conjure fake gold out of air when your species still bartered in it. Now, your currency is but numbers on a screen. Much easier to manipulate. I created a small and fictional amount of money in a bank when I first arrived, but your stock market is easy enough to play. What you see here is bought with the money I made off the original and false currency." Loki threw him a sharp smile, "Very little of it, in fact."

All this? Tony let out a low whistle, looking around at all the opulence that a prince supposedly deserved. At the very least, the opulence was up to Stark Industry's former CEO's standards. "Are you looking for a job as an investor? Because I may have an opening, or could, if you said yes. You'll have to do a bit of the shape shifting, but we could make it work."

"I'm already in your city, Man of Iron. You wish for me in your company as well?"

Touche. 

"So it's not money then. What can I offer you, oh prince?" Tony asked and bowed at the waist. Tony was a little stung by the guy completely disarming himself in front of him, but who could blame him? Tony was fairly worthless without his suit and technology had a penchant to not really work around Loki because the guy actually knew how to use it. 

He even told Tony his phones were 'quaint.' It was the only time Tony had actually punched him in the face trying to do real damage. Fucking quaint. 

Loki beckoned for Tony to sit at the glass dining room table, which Tony complied with because again, lack of suit. As soon as Tony was seated, Loki took the seat opposite him and waved his hand leisurely over the glass. The glass itself reformed at Loki's command, pieces of it splitting off without actually lessening the whole. 

It went against all physics Tony knew, which was par for the course, really. As the movement started to slow, Tony could see the shape of the final product. 

"A chessboard?"

The glass had raised a square onto its face and frosted itself to show the normally black and white checker pattern. The pieces of glass that had split off from the table into bubbles were forming ornate pieces, clear on Tony's side and frosted on Loki's. 

"Did you seriously kidnap me from my penthouse to play chess?" Tony asked. Loki shrugged, somehow making it look elegant. "You're seriously bored out of your mind, huh?"

"You've no idea," Loki replied with a deep sigh. After the whole Chitauri thing, mind control thing, Loki hadn't really been much of a super villain. More like a weird spectator in their fights versus Doom, Hydra, or whatever villain they were facing that week. Oh, he still was a royal pain in the ass and sometimes he did take up arms. There was one incident where Steve had to get stitches when Loki impaled him with that fancy spear. 

But a few incidents aside, Loki played pranks more often than not, and that was something Tony could appreciate. A guy who turned all the leaves in Central Park into cotton candy was alright in Tony's book. Even if the cleanup from that had been hell. 

"So you kidnap a guy to play chess with him?" Tony moved one of his pawns forward, glad at least that he wasn't going to be stabbed any time soon. Hopefully. All Loki did was give a noncommittal hand gesture back to Tony, moving one of his pawns. 

"Your Avengers are off in Europe fighting one foolish human or another. I could not simply let the opportunity slip past me. It would practically be sinful," Loki finished with a smirk. 

"True, I guess. Gots to keep us on our toes, yeah? But most evil guys--you being one of them--don't kidnap someone and then play chess with them. There's normally some threatening, some talk about torture, etc. etc.." Tony moved another of his pawns and as soon as his piece touched the board again, Loki had already moved another of his pawns. "I just don't know what to do when one of you guys don't start monologuing. Throws me off my whole game." 

Loki gave a long, overly dramatic sigh in response before mockingly straightening himself. "I am Loki of Asgard, and I am burdened with glorious purpose. Kneel, Midgardian, and surrender yourself to your fate." Loki then slumped back in his chair gracefully. "Better?"

"I don't know. I feel like you didn't really commit to it. I think you can lie a bit better honestly, Lokes."

Loki simply raised an eyebrow at the nickname. "If I had any desire to lie at this moment, you would not realize I was doing it. Why ruin such a good game to such petty reminders that I could take your head from your shoulders any time I wished to?"

"Total mood killer," Tony agreed as he stomped on the fear that threatened to bubble up within him. "So, any pranks in the making? Besides the whole kidnapping thing with me."

"Not upon Midgard, no." And that was a nice little qualifier there. "But your kidnapping is less of a prank and more of a way to pass time while simultaneously annoying Thor." 

"How is Thor going to know it's you, though? Did you leave a huge banner on your way out of the tower?"

Loki rolled his eyes. "Your Avengers will go to your ostentatious building after defeating whoever in Europe, Jarvis will report on the fact that Thor was down for the duration of the kidnapping, Widow will deduce that I am the only one capable of disabling Jarvis with a cause--and ability--to kidnap you. They will spend two hours searching for you, at which time I will enable your GPS signal on your phone, which I graciously allowed you to keep in your pocket. At that time, a plan will be made to rescue you, which Thor listens to none of, as he flies onto the balcony there," Loki motioned to his ridiculous balcony, "brandishes his hammer, and I grin and teleport away. It's all rather academic at this point."

"Did you-- Did you just plan your own demise?" Tony asked with a large grin on his face.

"Come now, I _always_ plan my demise. The fact that you're just now realizing it is marginally depressing."

"Well, I mean I knew some of your gambits but I thought they were, you know, gambits. Do you do this on all your losses? More importantly, do you do this when you lose to me? Because again, my ego."

"Like my brother, you rarely think things through, so I can at the very least count on you to be impulsive. Directing those impulses is slightly trickier than most of your soldiers, though. You are the most unpredictable of all my pieces, if that would soothe your ego."

"Really doesn't, but thanks. Plus, I'm not sure what we're going to do for that two hours because I'm positive you've already beaten me." Tony motioned to the chessboard which was about six moves away from Loki both taking his queen and putting him in checkmate. 

Which was great, actually. Tony hated chess, but that's because only he and Jarvis ever played. It wasn't like he was a chess mastermind or anything, he just knew how to stay focused on a goal and achieve it. 'Capture king' was easy enough. Loki seemed to work much the same way, except he did it with superfluous moves that were meant to look threatening and weren't. He willingly sacrificed his queen so that a pawn was the one to kill Tony's king. 

"I'd rather hoped this would at least be a challenging game, yet I appreciate you graciously admitting defeat."

"Yeah, well, not much choice. By the by, you have any food? I'm not going to say you're a terrible host, but you're kind of a terrible host. Two hours without food is not really an ideal kidnapping, here." 

Loki broke out into a wide grin. "And are all of your kidnappings this luxurious?" 

"Nope," Tony said with an emphasis on the 'p.' "But I think this is less a kidnapping and more a genius--and hey! I can use that word because I am one too--getting fed up with the idiocy of the masses. Which, look, totally understand. It's why I communicate with robots pretty exclusively. So you get to kill two birds with one stone. First, annoying Thor which is still on the top of your to-do. Next, you get to hang out with me, which is a pretty sweet perk."

"You do think so highly of yourself, Mr. Stark." Loki waved his hand and the chessboard turned into water, fell into the table, and then solidified itself back into glass. Tony ran a finger over the glass, looking for any sort of seam or disturbance and found none. "Perhaps you were simply the only one of your little band I could kidnap without any resistance."

"Thor," Tony pointed out instantly because apparently Thor was knocked out back in the tower. "And I don't think resistance would matter much. You could just do that freezy thing you do and make it so that whoever you kidnapped didn't move. Then that frees your options to me, Cap, Widow, and Birdbrain. I wouldn't risk it with Brucey, if I were you, and Thor would ruin whole fun by looking at you with those big baby blues. So I think this is less of a kidnapping and more of need to talk to someone on the same mental wave-length."

"Truly, your arrogance rivals that of even the most boastful of Asgard."

"If I need to step it up to surpass them, let me know. Because this is but a small sampling of my greatness, babe."

Loki rolled his eyes heavenward but stood up and made his way into the kitchen with Tony on his tail. The kitchen was incredibly well stocked, far better than Tony's at least. Though to be fair, Tony had no idea what was in his kitchen. It could be well stocked. This kitchen was, at the very least, better stocked than his fridge in his lab, which held all manners of sandwich items and leftovers.

With a lazy wave of Loki's hand, cabinets flew open and random ingredients hovered over shelves as they began to chop themselves into bowls or pans. Tony wasn't sure what he was making mostly because cooking. Not a thing Tony did in his spare time. Or in any time. 

"This is some weird _Fantasia_ bullshit, Mickey," Tony muttered. He should probably be worried about being poisoned, but it wasn't exactly Loki's schtick. His shtick was, well, exactly what he described. Being a nuisance for awhile, smiling like a lunatic when caught, and then teleporting before they could get cuffs anywhere near him. In fact, they didn't even fucking carry the cuffs when they went to ferret Loki out because what was the point? 

"Have you always been able to teleport?" Tony asked suddenly, a lightbulb almost literally popping up over Tony's head. 

**I always plan my demise.**

The answering grin Loki shot him said that he knew exactly what Tony was thinking. "Give or take a few hundred years of learning, yes."

Oh, that's some bullshit. 

"Sweet. So, that's a thing. Any other magic-y bullshit you're keeping under wraps?" Tony asked as he looked at some peppers and beef sauteing themselves in a pan. It smelled a bit spicy and Tony thought it was some sort of Chinese food if the rice noodles nearby were anything to go on. And huh. Loki knowing some Midgardian recipe was a little weird, but it'd probably be weirder if Loki didn't research everything on Earth to death....

"Are you asking me to reveal my hand?"

"You bet your ass," Tony responded as he turned to look at an amused Loki. "Here, I'll go first. I've been making a pretty sweet generator to attach to the suit that should work despite you doing your magic-y bullshit."

"And you know enough of my magic to test this?" 

"Nu-huh," Tony said as he moved to a dark oak table that looked stupidly ornate. Like seriously, that's just a waste of money. He sat on one of the matching chairs, throwing his feet on the table. "Those aren't the rules. I tell you something, you tell me something, and there's no digging."

"And if you're lying?" With a swift flick of his wrist, Loki magically forced Tony's feet from the table. 

Tony just shrugged. Of course he could be, but lying to Loki never seemed like a good idea. Twisting words so it wasn't quite a lie was better and honestly the easiest thing in the world. 

Loki held his gaze as he took the seat opposite Tony, the food continuing to cook itself in the background. "Knives are my weapons of choice."

"But you use a staff."

"I do," Loki replied, his eyes glinting in a challenge. 

"Are you _Princess Bride_ -ing us? Fighting us with your left hand when you're right-handed," Tony clarified at Loki's confused look. "You really need to watch that movie, Lokes."

"I'll place it on my list," Loki said dryly. "But it's an apt comparison." 

"So like...how good with knives? Thor aiming with his hammer good or Hawkeye good?"

"I believe you said no digging."

"And I said it was a rule, which come on now, I've never followed."

Loki laughed, and not of those evil cackles he gave in battle but a legit chuckle that seemed to catch the god by surprise. The sound forced a smile from Tony as he watched the sorcerer--mage, magician?--seem to have a genuine emotion. 

The food plated itself and it was some sort of beef in a sauce with red and green peppers over some rice noodles. It smelled delicious, whatever it was. "How'd you end up learning to cook, oh prince?" Tony asked, not that he was complaining. 

"Would you expect Thor or his friends to cook as we went adventuring?"

Yeah, no. Thor could cook the most basic of meats, but tended to scoff at anything that took longer than that. Which Tony could appreciate to a certain extent, but not everyone ran on barbecue. 

"Yeah, I don't really see Thor doing anything besides killing things and taking glory and telling tales of his past killing things and taking glory on any sort of adventure."

Loki snorted and that was all the confirmation Tony needed to know that he hit the nail on the head. But that wasn't important at the moment. What was important was that the meal Loki had placed in front of Tony was one of the most delicious things Tony had ever eaten. It was sex in the form of food.

"Shit, Loki. If you don't want to be an investor, can you be my personal chef? I pay well. I'll even throw in some interference between you and Thor. I will personally punch him in the face."

"I think that would hurt you more than him," though Loki looked adequately amused and intrigued. "But it is a tempting offer. You will have to eat quickly, however. Thor will be on the balcony in about two minutes."

It was probably a bad sign that Tony's first emotion was irritation at Loki for turning on his GPS so early. The time spent with Loki was refreshing but it was still a Norse god of chaos kidnapping Iron Man, which was not a good time. According to SHIELD. Maybe less a bad time to Tony.

"So you gonna make it look like you legitimately kidnapped me or that we just had a weird dinner brunch thing?"

"I'll have put the food away for that."

Tony curled around his plate possessively before picking it up and turning from the trickster god. "Nope, weird dinner brunch thing it is."

"BROTHER!" came Thor's booming voice from balcony--nearly exactly where Loki had pointed earlier. But Clint was with him, which was surprising, though it looked like Loki couldn't care less, even with thunder overhead and Clint pointing an arrow at his face.

"So what was the percentage of Clint showing up too?" Tony asked around a mouthful of rice noodles. Thor and Clint looked confused over at Tony so he waved hello after taking another bite of food. 

"Lower than your soldier showing up," Loki replied smoothly. "Which means your solider is probably injured and your assassin is tending to him."

Tony hummed in his throat, agreeing with Loki's assessment. 

"What the fuck are you doing here, asshole?" Clint asked, and Tony wasn't sure exactly who he was asking--Loki or Tony. It was a pretty good chance he was asking both of them. Which wasn't fair because like...Tony had just been kidnapped. 

"Getting kidnapped." 

"This doesn't not look like any kidnapping I've ever seen."

"Okay, but how often have you been kidnapped?" Tony asked. Dumb question, considering the withering glare Clint sent him. 

"Brother, what is the meaning of this?" Thor asked in that weird voice that reminded Tony of a golden retriever that was sadly watching its owner leave the house, thinking they were never going to return. 

Then there was that wicked smile that Loki gave Thor and Tony snorted into his food. While it should have been depressing to see how true to form they all were, it was also kind of funny. It was almost like a waltz that Loki prepared for them all. How it kept the trickster god entertained was beyond Tony. Maybe it was just a thing where Loki loved being correct and able to manipulate the lesser minded, a trait Tony couldn't exactly fault him for. 

"Do you know, Thor, how easy it was to capture your shield brother?" Loki asked, his voice taking on that slight madness that Tony realized was missing from the whole interaction he had with Loki until this point. A mask that Loki wore as easily as anything else--in fact Tony wasn't sure which one was a mask or not. The bored magician who stole an Avenger to play chess or the magician who smiled and spoke like the endless void of space.

"Were you meant to make a point, brother?" 

Loki's smile widened as the crazy started to roil off him in an almost palpable way. "I could," Loki said and curled his fingers around a knife that suddenly appeared in his hand. Thor and Clint tightened their grips on their weapons, but Loki seemed to ignore them both as he turned his gaze back to Tony. "Until next time, Stark."

With that, Loki flung the knife and teleported in the same breath. Tony flinched a bit, but the knife embedded itself a hair's breadth away from his cheek in the wood of the dining room chair. 

"What the fuck?!" Clint exclaimed as he lowered his bow. "What the actual fuck?! Did you just go on a fucking date with Loki?!"

"Whoa! Hey!" Tony exclaimed. "I was kidnapped. You see me here? Did not just decide that hey, you know what sounds great? What if I just popped over to Loki's fucking penthouse while my teammates were off doing who the fuck knows what?"

"You're eating his food! He made you fucking dinner!"

"Poison isn't Loki's whole thing, birdbrain," Tony protested. "Come on, Point Break, back me up here."

Thor just looked at Tony in confusion, his eyes flicking to the blade the Tony could feel against his cheek. "My brother never misses his mark."

"You know what? Screw this," Tony picked up his plate and the ornate knife that Loki decided to throw at him. _Point made, thank you very much, Rock of Ages._ Tony was angry for literally no reason at all. Clint throwing his motivations into question was just par for the course at this point. "Let's just go back to the damn Tower. I was having a good time until you guys decided to rescue me." 

Tony Stark strode out the front door of Loki's penthouse, a move he probably could have made a long time ago, ignoring the squawking of Clint behind him.

Maybe Tony was overreacting, but he couldn't deny that from the outside, this looked an awful lot like a date, just with a knife at the end instead of a kiss. Which was exactly how a date with Loki _would_ end, Tony supposed. 

Fuck, did Loki just kidnap Tony to go on a date?

**Author's Note:**

> This was a prompt I got like twenty damn years ago that I'm finally finishing :D It basically goes that Loki knows he can't ask Tony out on a date in the traditional sense, so he just kidnaps him. 
> 
> Hope you all enjoyed! This will probably be a three chapter little thing. 
> 
> As always, comments and kudos are so much appreciated! They make me write faster and keep me on task. Not to mention, they make me super super ridiculously happy :D 
> 
> You can find me on [tumblr](the-lady-magician.tumblr.com) where I post a ton of Marvel, Dragon Age, Star Wars, and Zelda things and always am taking prompts for my OTPs!


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